I am Thankful for the Chance to Be a Mother

Twice a day I take Kaylee into her room with her princess sippy cup and I sit down in my green rocking chair to rock her to sleep. I always turn on some country music quietly on the radio (when it is too quiet bug makes up for it by "talking") then I try my best to convince my little girl that sleeping is more interesting than all of the toys we are surrounded by.

Today when I sat down I had a particularly easy time getting her to sleep so I decided to take a couple of minutes to just rock with Kaylee and take in the moment. Every once in a while I try desperately to remember the smells, sights and feelings of being a mother. I try to commit to memory the little movements Kaylee's feet make when she is sleeping or the little smile she makes in her sleep if I kiss her on the forehead.

While I sat there soaking up the moment I heard a voice come across the radio of a woman. This woman speaking started with how old her son was. (He was four.) Then she said something that hit me, the date he "went home" to his heavenly father. It was the St. Jude Children's research for cancer fundraiser. The little boy's birthday was the same week as Tyson.

Suddenly I was flooded with the memory of a day in 2009 that I found out I have PCOS. For anyone that doesn't know what this is  here is a synopsis of the disease. I had been hoping to find out I was pregnant that day but I found out in fact that I was going to have to fight for my chance to have another child. I was heartbroken. I had been convinced I was pregnant and had already begun dreaming of what the new baby would be like. I was angry because I felt like I had all of the reasons to DESERVE another child. I was married, I owned my home, I had a mini-van, I ran a daycare, etc. etc. etc. Boy was I wrong.

 I would get angry because people who did drugs had babies, people who were in terrible relationships would get pregnant and everyone seemed to be getting pregnant instead of me! I was so hurt that God didn't trust me with another child but he would trust all of these obviously terrible choices. WRONG again.

I went through many months of negative pregnancy tests. Each and every one of them felt like I was loosing a pregnancy. I would get myself all worked up about the chances. I would chart, I would take fertility medications, I would make sure I followed every trick in the book. Consequently I was convinced every month that I had done enough to make sure I was pregnant. How hard could it be right?

Through my journey with infertility I realized that I was so lucky to have my son. I didn't deserve this chance no matter what life I led.Over the year we were trying to get pregnant. I learned so much about the gift of being a mother. I gained appreciation for my son that I would have never known without the struggle we went through. I would read forums of women with PCOS for hours each night trying to find hope that I would be able to get pregnant. Instead I found women who were rejoicing in the strength of their marriage through the trials of repeated negative pregnancy test. I found women who were thankful to have any children in their lives even their "angel babies".

It was then that I realized I was going to be OK with the blessings I had in front of me. I have a wonderful husband. He was there to hold me each month when I would cry for days after a failed pregnancy test. He was excited for me when I started taking medication to regulate my ovulation. He was rejoicing with me when I would be hopeful and he was comforting me when I felt hopeless. I am so thankful for him.

I realized the miracle of Tyson's birth. I became pregnant with Tyson when I was 18. I was young, I had almost nothing to my name and I was far from being married. Now that I know how hard it can be to get pregnant I can see that getting pregnant with Tyson was a miracle. God gave me my son to help me learn to be a  better morning person. To help me see the beauty in life. Tyson reminds me that I am loved, I am important to him and I am precious to him. Tyson taught me the true way that my parents feel about me and he gave me the understanding I needed to build up my relationship with them. I am so thankful for him too.

I also realized that I am important. I know when I was younger I valued myself as a good student. I was worthy of life because I got good grades. In my late teens I considered myself a value to friends for my humor. I was worthy in God's eyes because I was funny. When I gave birth I was suddenly a mother, the harbor for life and the safe keeper of one of God's greatest gifts. And again I was valued for what I was able to give to the world. But never once in my life did I feel like I was valuable or worthy of life just because of me. It wasn't until I was no longer a student, an energetic teen or a fertile woman that I realized God has blessed me with this life because he loves me. Not because of anything I did for him. Not because of anything I could contribute to society. But merely because he wanted me here. 

It was February of 2010 that I did my last ovulation test. I was disappointed because I had not ovulated. I cried again with Chase and he gently suggested that it was time to take a break. A break from the heart ache, disappointment and trying. We decided together to change our outlook from "we can't have another baby" to "we are so thankful to have each other and our wonderful son".

Two months later I found out that I was pregnant! I was so surprised. I had lived two months of the most fulfilling and enjoyable life without tests or sadness. I had learned to be thankful for my blessings and I had not even been considering what blessings God had in mind for my future. When I went to the doctor I was stunned when I heard my due date. I was due in November. I didn't believe it at first. . . I had to have gotten pregnant in the month that I decided to be thankful for my life as it was and stop worrying about the future. It was a tremendous miracle that I got pregnant not only when I was not expecting it but in a month that I did not ovulate on time!

The moment I realized that I must have gotten pregnant during February, I also realized something that has proven to me that there is divine intervention in my life. I realized that God needed me to see my blessings as they were before I could be ready to receive another. This journey strengthened my marriage and my relationship with my son. I now strive to be a thankful mother and a caring wife. I try to give my life everything I have because I know that it is a blessing to have every moment with my family.

I am so thankful for my journey with PCOS and the understanding I have gained from it. Now that Kaylee is done nursing I am hoping to bring another "Baby Long" into our home. I am hoping it does not take as long but I can wait as long as God thinks is necessary. In the meantime I will continue soaking up moments in the rocking chair with Kaylee and enjoy my family right in this moment, just the way it is.